“Listening is one of the loudest forms of kindness.” Anonymous
Do you remember a time when someone asked you a question and attended fully, with interest, to your response? How did this make you feel?
When someone gives us their undivided attention and we sense their openness and non-judgemental attitude our nervous system is very likely to perceive this situation as safe – this person is safe to be with. Safety is the neurobiological basis of trust. Stephen Porges, Ph.D. distinguished University Scientist at Indiana University did some ground-breaking research on safety in human relationships. He offered a nuanced understanding of the social engagement system, the neurocircuitry that fosters affiliative or connecting behaviour.
Our unconscious threat monitoring system
The amygdala, a small almond-shaped cluster of neurons located at the heart of the emotional brain constantly scans our experiences for danger. When it perceives a threat, it initiates a high-speed reaction, mobilising us to take action. Our primal flight/fight/freeze stress response becomes activated and we feel a range of emotions from fear through to anger. Importantly, this inhibits the functioning of our pre-frontal cortex, the executive seat of many of our brain functions including our ability to pay attention, think clearly and creatively, balance our emotions, be flexible in our responses and make effective conscious choices.
This unconscious threat monitoring system is active when we’re engaging with people too. It continually receives social signals through sensory inputs such as body language, tone of voice and facial expressions. If our amygdala registers these signals as safe our social engagement system switches on, quietening the stress response and lowering stress hormones. Oxytocin, the bonding hormone is released and this inhibits the amygdala. We relax, feel calm, connected and present. We now have full access to our pre-frontal cortex resources.
In terms of human capabilities and performance excellence in the workplace, a key element is this – when we truly listen to another and our attention is steady and focused, they feel safe and this can make a remarkable difference to the quality of their thinking. Nancy Klein, author of “Time to think” asserts: “The quality of your attention determines the quality of other people’s thinking”.
The power of mindful listening
It’s clear from the science that, as social creatures, we humans benefit when someone pays careful non-judgemental attention to what we’re saying. Moreover, mindful listening is a prosocial mutually beneficial process – as the listener, we gain too. With intentional practice, our ability to focus our attention improves, strengthening the effectiveness of the exchange of information in communication. Listening can become more of a restful and resourcing process, a time where we’re building inner resources – we’re developing our self-awareness, enhancing our ability to be present in relationship and we’re actively strengthening our social brain and toning our muscle of compassion. And, given that safety is the neurobiological basis of trust, we’re nourishing our connections through building more trusting relationships.